MaryFrickingSue: An Artemis Fowl Mary Sue Parody
by Ice Raider
Summary: A beautiful, deadly and intelligent half fairy female agent with psi powers from MJ12 is heading out to find Artemis Fowl and bring him to justice! She has the highest known IQ in the USA, and the ability to whup James Bond!!OOH!!! COMPLETE! Please RNR!!!
1. Chapter One: In Which We Meet Mary Sue

Mary-Fricking-Sue: An Artemis Fowl Mary Sue Parody  
  
By Ice Raider and His little bro Raziel Hi all! After some serious life consideration and re-reading of all my fanfics, and a good healthy dose of 'Quest Of The Walrus', I decided to post this. This is a Mary Sue Parody, it doesn't parody anyone's story, it just parodies Mary Sues everywhere. I hate Mary Sues. I hate my Mary Sues, I hate all Mary Sues. They are like inner demons, you have to face them, and stare the bitches down. ON WITH THE BASHING!!!!  
  
BTW, no one take this personally, especially the excellent Authors of 'Foreign To Ireland', 'To A New Life' and that other one with the girl who can't stop spouting poetry, cause those aren't MS's. We should all see some of our characters in here, and laugh at them. So, let us laugh together.  
  
A Mary Sue is a perfect female character who is super neat and intimidates the lead male character.  
  
Chapter One: In Which We Meet Mary Sue  
  
Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman strode purposefully down the corridor of the Majestic Twelve headquarters in Area 51. Her waist length black hair fanned out behind her and her huge emerald eyes flashed with determination. She swung open the door to the Commander's office with one sharp kick. She had been trained in Karate Ju Jitsu Judo Kung Fu, marksmanship and about 1,000,000 other super cool skills. She was an expert computer hacker, too.  
  
The Commander sighed. "Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman, what do you want?"  
  
Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman spoke in a voice like a whisper in the toilet drain, like a tinkling of bells being crushed by a semi trailer, yes, it was the most beautiful voice ever.  
  
"Commander, I want a mission!" The Commander nodded. "Certainly, I have one right here. You have to find Artemis Fowl and, drum roll please!" A drum roll sounded throughout the office. "Hmm, that's not what happened before." Said the Commander. Just then a loud farting noise filled the room.  
  
The Commander grinned. "That's more like it, anyway, you have to seduce Fowl, then get the dirt on him, while intimidating him as much as possible, and then you have to bring him in. Now, go send him an intimidating email or something so that you can have a love/hate relationship. MOVE YOUR ASS!"  
  
Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman (who will be known as Mary Sue from now on) kicked the Commander's computer of his desk and sniffed. "I do what I want, thank you, Commander."  
  
Artemis Fowl sat down at his computers. He was dressed in baggy black clothes, his hair was messy and he stank a little, because, in the time between Eternity Code and now, Artemis had got his memories of the Fairies back, but had decided to give crime the finger and was now that most divine and supreme of all humans.The COMPUTER GEEK!!! (BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)  
  
He glanced through his extensive computer games collection, spilt some coffee down his shirt and decided to try and hack the Majestic 12 computer system. (So, maybe he hadn't given up all crime, so sue me, I'm the fricking narrator for frick's sake!)  
  
(A/N: The Following Piece is taken from another story. To the Author, this is not meant to be an insult to you, I just thought that was a pretty cool bit, so I'm using it here. Please don't take it personally and try to ban me.)  
  
Mary Sue grinned as she saw Artemis' electronic tendrils inch closer to total system control, then she kicked him out. "Don't screw with a Mary Sue."  
  
He was just about to gain access to the system when a tiny box popped up. Inside the box was an animation of a toilet being flushed. Before his computers crashed Artemis could have sworn he heard a female voice say "Don't Screw With A Mary Sue." 


	2. Chapter Two: In Which Toilet Jokes Aboun...

Chapter Two: In Which Toilet Jokes Abound And Mary Sue Gets Even More Mary  
Suey Artemis stamped around his room for several hours, screaming "****" at the top of his voice before he finally slouched down in one of his computer chairs and started playing Soul Reaver 2 on a backup PC.  
  
Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman smirked to herself and brushed her long blonde hair back from her sapphire blue eyes. She tucked it behind her slightly pointed ears with a graceful flourish. Yes, Gentle Reader, pointed ears. For, Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman was half fairy. Her Mother had been a fairy, and her Father human, then when she was a baby (she was sixteen now, the same age as Artemis), her Father had died and her Mother had committed suicide in a rather different fashion. It involved toilets.  
  
Mary Sue's ears were pointed, and, although she was not immortal, she had psi powers, though. She could read minds, move things with her mind, and do all sorts of stuff, just with her mind. She could drive cars with her mind, and flush toilets with her mind. She also had the power of healing and killing powers, such as lightning bolts, but she had never had to use them.  
  
She stood up. Time to get suited up. She doubted she would have any trouble getting along with Fowl, she was, after all, a genius, with the highest tested IQ in continental USA.  
  
She slipped into a black, skin tight catsuit, which accentuated her figure, which left men gaping. Her basket ball sized breasts jiggled a great deal as she zipped up the suit. She left the zip low and pushed her breasts up a little so that Fowl would have the best view possible without her going in the nude.  
  
She slid a silenced pistol (unloaded) down her cleavage, just in case, and stepped out of the equipment room.  
  
She strode toward her sports car, a sleek black Dodge Viper, and hopped in, starting it up and making sure her fake driver's license was in the glove box, then she drove to the airport.  
  
Mary Sue took a private plane, her car stashed in the cargo bay. She had brought only one bag of luggage, hoping to pose as an orphan who had lost her parents and stolen a car. She nodded, causing her breasts to jiggle. That would work. 


	3. Chapter Three: In Which Mary Sue Escapes...

Chapter Three: In Which Mary Sue Escapes From A Near Death Toilet Incident  
  
A/N: We are full of five year old toilet humour. No, seriously.  
  
Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman smiled at the co pilot as he tottered toward the toilet, his legs crossed.  
  
He smiled back, ran down the aisle and barged into the toilet. Moments later a relieved sigh was heard. Then the noise a jammed button makes when it's being pressed.  
  
"What the **** is wrong with this ******* toilet?!!" Exclaimed the man. "I hate these electric toilets!"  
  
He jabbed the button again and the toilet lid slammed shut and clamped down, any minute now the contents would be jettisoned into the air.  
  
Nothing happened. "GOD NO, CRAP!!!!" Exclaimed the pilot from inside the cabin. "PRESSURE'S BUILDING, THE DRAIN'S CLOGGED!!!"  
  
The co pilot screamed and tried in vain to yank the toilet lid up. A red light began flashing on the plane control panel, and then the rear of the plane and the control panel exploded.  
  
Mary Sue stood up, her hazel eyes flashing with determination, and her silky smooth dirt brown hair streaming out behind her. She grabbed a parachute from under her seat, strapped it on her back and struggled to force the plane door open. It was jammed. She turned around, fear in her expression, and then she noticed the gaping hole where the back of the plane had been, and jumped out.  
  
Angeline Fowl pushed Artemis out the door. "Go on, Arty, some sunshine will do wonders for you!"  
  
The sixteen year old Geek genius scowled ferociously. "MOTHER! SUNLIGHT IS CRAPPY! LET ME GO, I HAVE TO PLOT THE DEMISE OF THE MAFIA!!!"  
  
Angeline sobbed and hit Artemis over the head with her hand bag. "Artemis, how could you talk to your Mummy like that! No go outside, find some friends.  
  
Artemis scowled again as the door was slammed shut behind him. He made his way toward his car, a Plymouth Prowler, because, unbeknownst to his Mother, Artemis tried to be a womaniser. However, as I, your beloved narrator have discovered, Geeks and Girls don't go together, except under extreme (ly lucky) circumstances. Geeks are underrated, seriously. We rock. Anyway.Ahem! On with the show  
  
Mary Sue landed softly in a bed of roses, in front of a huge manor. A boy was striding down the path toward her. Artemis Fowl. She gave a great cry of pain and yanked a rose thorn out of her butt.  
  
Artemis span and ran toward her. He gasped as he approached her. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Mary Sue glanced around, panicking, then fell backwards with a great sigh.  
  
"Oh, My God," said Artemis, "she's fainted!" Mary Sue cracked open one eye. He had fallen for it. "OH MY GOD!" Artemis stood up and began to run around in circles. Mary Sue stood up, but forgot she was wearing ten inch stilettos and fell over again, into the rose bush.  
  
"CRAP!!!" She screamed as she leapt four feet into the air, her butt covered in blood, then she fell to the ground, whacked her head on the, erm, lower areas of a nude male statue and was out before she could even question the Fowl family's tastes. 


	4. Chapter Four: In Which Mary Sue recovers...

Chapter Four: In Which Mary Sue recovers From Her Injuries And Artemis  
Discovers Her Secret (ENTER LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP)!!! "HOLYCRAPFRICK!" Exclaimed Mary Sue as Juliet pulled yet another thorn out of her blood covered butt.  
  
Artemis was sitting on a chair nearby, suddenly he gasped. "OH MY GOD" (Artemis loved to say that), "JULIET, GET THOSE THORNS OUT AND THROW HER IN A CELL, SHE'S AN AMERICAN SPY! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE! LOCK HER IN THE TOILET!!!"  
  
"Which one, sir?" Asked Juliet as she yanked the last thorn out.  
  
"THE SMALL ONE!"  
  
"Wait a minute." said Mary Sue. She lifted up one of her ear rings and spoke into it. "Commander, Sir, Artemis found out about us. What do we do?"  
  
"We've been ID'd!!!" Screamed the Commander. "EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!" There was a gurgling noise, followed by a thump sound, and then a new voice came on line. "Hmm. Mary Sue, we have problems. The Commander just had a heart attack. He's dead, no, wait! He's turned into a fish!"  
  
The ear ring went dead. Artemis glanced at it. "Toilet ear rings?" Mary Sue smiled sweetly at him. "The Agency Symbol."  
  
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Screamed Artemis. "THAT MEANS YOU KICKED ME OUT OF THE SYSTEM! DIE BITCH! JULIET, THROW HER IN THE STINKY COMPOST TOILET!!!"  
  
"One thing." Said Mary Sue, her black hair fanning out behind her as she stood up, her green eyes curious. "How did you know.?"  
  
Artemis held up the catsuit. On it was a picture of a toilet and the characters: MJ12.  
  
It was then that Mary Sue noticed that she was dressed only in her skimpy black underwear. Juliet opened the door. "I'm just going to get a straitjacket, Artemis, there's a turret mounted on the ceiling, if she does anything, it's TRANQ TIME, BABY!!"  
  
She left. Mary Sue sidled over to Artemis, who had a laptop on a desk in front of him and was playing 'Dungeon Keeper 2' (Very good game, super good game in fact. GET IT NOW!!). Mary Sue sat on his lap and wriggled one of her bra straps off. "Oh, Artemis, please help, one of my bra straps has fallen off."  
  
Artemis didn't seem to hear. He started clicking madly on the screen. "******* IMPS! DO THE ******* MINING FOR ****'S SAKE!! DON'T GO THERE YOU ****WITS! OH, GODDAMIT! HORNED REAPER SUMMONING!!!  
  
Techno/Rock music began to play and a huge red creature, which the game affectionately called "Horny" began stomping around.  
  
"Oh," Said Mary Sue, fluttering her two-inch lashes. "Just like you, Artemis. Horny."  
  
Artemis began to jump up and down on his chair. "YES! GO! MASH THE B.  
  
Just then Angeline Fowl flung open the door, a broom in her hand. "Oh, Artemis! You've been taken advantage of, poor Artemis!" She began sobbing and raised the broom.  
  
Mary Sue gulped. "Time to make myself scarce."  
  
She dashed out the door, Angeline in tow. Juliet walked up the hallway, saw the chase, made some popcorn, and invited Artemis up to the security room to watch the whole thing unfold.  
  
4 Hours Later  
  
Mary Sue lay on a hard stone floor next to a stinky compost toilet, in a strait jacket, several large bumps on her head. A broom rested proudly on the toilet. Mary Sue started screaming. "THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I'M SO, LIKE, GREAT!"  
  
"Hmph!" She sat up, her basket ball breasts jiggling. Time to get out of the jacket. She had done this before. She glanced around. Nothing but a broom, an old rag, a box of matches and some kerosene.  
  
She stood up and manipulated the jacket. She brought it over her head, teetered forward, and fell headfirst into the toilet. Her long, blonde hair fell past her face and her blue eyes filled with tears as she fell, then she stopped falling. Her extremely sexy hips were stuck.  
  
"NOOO!" She wailed. "I'm, like, perfect! This isn't supposed to happen!"  
  
She struggled and twisted and turned, the broom fell, but didn't disappear, the straw brush end came to rest on the squelchy contents of the toilet, while the handle stuck upwards. Mary Sue got an idea. 


	5. Chapter Five: More Toilet Incidents?

Chapter Five: MORE TOILET INCIDENTS?  
  
Ok, I hope you lot are enjoying this so far! Is Mary Sue coming across as an MS parody, or as an MS? Are the toilets getting old?  
  
Mary Sue wrinkled her nose as her brown hair fell past her hazel eyes as she lifted the old rag up from the depths of the toilet. After much fiddling with the broom, Mary Sue had managed to wrap a whole pile of, well, um, excretion, into the rag. She tied the rag to the end of the broom, doused it in kerosene, straddled the end of the broom as far away from the rag as she could, then turned and threw a match on it.  
  
Now, excretion can be used, in its gas form, for electric power, and can also be rather explosive, so when Mary Sue dropped the match on the rag, the kero burst into flames, and so did the contents of the rag.  
  
The resulting explosion propelled Mary Sue upwards toward a sky light in the roof, some twenty feet away.  
  
"YES!" She cried, then she screamed and covered her face with her hands as the broom burst through the window.  
  
Artemis sat at his computer, playing Splinter Cell, oblivious to the incident.  
  
"YES!" Screamed Mary Sue again as the broom flew up into the air above Fowl manor. She turned as the flame on the tail died out, crackling up the last pieces of straw, but refusing to light the plastic rod. Then she realised there was one stage of her plan that had not been taken into account.  
  
The Landing.  
  
"NOOOO!" She screamed as the broom began to plummet toward earth. "NOOOOOO" She screamed, as if it would change her fate. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She yelled before running out of breath.  
  
She tried to close her eyes, but the wind was forcing them open, and blowing her mouth open, as if she had four golf balls stuffed in each cheek. By now a small crowd had gathered on the front step, excluding Artemis.  
  
Fortunately for Mary Sue, and the author, because this is an excellent story telling device which lets him continue this crappy story, a huge localised gale caught her broom and flung her in Artemis' bedroom window, just as he stood up to look through his CD collection.  
  
Mary Sue smashed into the CD collection. CDs flew everywhere. Halflife, Morrowind, Soul Reaver, Tomb Raider, Serious Sam, Jedi Outcast, WarCraft III and.  
  
"DEUS EX* (That's day-oos ex, people)" Screamed Artemis as one CD flew toward the open window. "NOOO!"  
  
The game fell out the window, Artemis in tow. He grabbed it triumphantly, and promptly fell into his Mother's frog pond, keeping the precious CD above the water.  
  
He climbed out, cold, shivering and with a frog on his head.  
  
Love It? Hate It? *Deus Ex is a computer game, about a secret agent dude, JC Denton, it's got conspiracies, great characters, and your actions in the game affect its plot! It's the best game ever. Go buy it. If you haven't heard of it you must live under a rock on Mars. It's hugely popular, there's a sequel coming out this year, and a movie is planned! 


	6. Chapter Six: In Which Crap Happens

Chapter Six: In Which Crap Happens  
  
Mary Sue lay on a four poster bed, covered in ice packs, groaning pitifully while Artemis stormed around the room muttering things like: "Could've destroyed my Deus Ex CD. Collectors edition!" and "Morrowind's cracked, I'll need a new one now." And "HMPH!"  
  
Mary Sue groaned. Artemis span on her and started attacking her. She cried pathetically, then Artemis stopped. "Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry."  
  
Mary Sue burst up out of the ice packs. "Please forgive me." Whispered Artemis as he drew her closer, losing himself in her deep green eyes, her black hair falling gently into her face. They moved closer, and then."Oh, God. When was the last time you had a shower. I mean, like, EWWW!"  
  
Suddenly The Commander roared in her ear. "DO IT! HAVE SEX WITH HIM IF IT HELPS! HE'S IN OUR GRASP, GODDAMMIT!!!!"  
  
Mary Sue leant forward and quickly kissed Artemis. What followed can only be read in the adult version, but it followed the guidelines of a procedure commonly termed "Making Out."  
  
After the make-out session Artemis and Mary Sue sat for a long time, muttering sweet nothings in each others ears. Then Mary Sue cried. "Oh, Artemis! You must help me! We must go back to the USA together! My employers want you in jail, but now that I know the real you, I can't do it!"  
  
WHAT! Thought Artemis. Those bastards! How could they part him and his little oojiepoojiekins!"  
  
He nodded. "Let's go."  
  
Eight Hours Later  
  
Artemis and Mary Sue strolled purposefully down the street toward the Secret Entrance to Area 51, a toilet cubicle.  
  
Mary Sue unlocked it with a special key, pressed the flush button, and down they went.  
  
The two fell out in an empty room, empty except for a giant, green spinning vortex in the centre. Then the Commander stepped out of the shadows, a slight fishy smell about him. He smiled evilly. "You shouldn't leave your mike on, Mary Sue, now both of you are going to die! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 


	7. Chapter Seven: The Climax You've All Bee...

Chapter Seven: The Climax You've All Been Waiting For!  
  
"You never wanted him for prison!" Cried Mary Sue as she flung herself in front of her darling Artykins, who had spied a computer. He sat down at it and began to play Minesweeper.  
  
"You are preventing the course of justice, Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman! Stand aside!"  
  
Artemis clicked away happily.  
  
Mary Sue shook her head, her long blonde hair falling down her back in flowing cascades, and her sapphire eyes flashing with determination.  
  
She kicked the Commander, he kicked her, she kicked him. What followed was a long and pointless stream of kicks, that is right up until Artemis pushed the computer chair back a bit and knocked the Commander.  
  
He fell back into the vortex and grabbed the edge. Already skin was peeling off his bones. "NOOO!" He grabbed Mary Sue's ankle as he fell, now a living skeleton. Mary Sue remained hanging onto the edge of the vortex, yet, her skin did not peel away because that would make her last kiss with Artemis far less romantic.  
  
"Artemis!" She cried. "I am falling! Get out! Save yourself! Artemis, I love you!"  
  
Artemis continued to click away on Minesweeper. "******* mines!"  
  
"Artemis!" Screamed Mary Sue. "Artemis!" "Sorry." Boomed a loud voice from nowhere. "Your time for a last farewell in this story has expired. I am not sorry I, the author am a sick and twisted bastard who hates Mary Sues and abuses their authors. Goodbye, Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman, see you in hell."  
  
With that the skin began to peel off her bones and she let go, sadness in her sapphire eyes before they shrivelled up and she was gone.  
  
Just then Holly, Root, Butler and Foaly walked in. Artemis looked up from minesweeper. "Hey, where were you guys? You're usually supposed to help me out in stories."  
  
Butler just shook his head, his eyes glazed over. "I hope you got it all on video, Artemis, cause, man, we were on drugs the whole time!"  
  
The End 


End file.
